im no swan when it comes to dancing...

it has been a rocky road as of late luckily I'm referring to the ice cream. some times sweet sometimes a little nutty.
today i used dance to escape. i escaped the world and myself dancing today. recorded myself and all so i have something to critique. to learn from to work past. i danced until my muscles ached and until i was sweating and until my body burned. i danced til i got dizzy. i danced and forgot momentarily that anything besides music existed. today i danced.
I've been really confused as of late unsure of many things and yet in the mist of great amounts of confusion, i have learned. i have learned who is worth risking pouring my heart out to and who is not. i am learning to let others deal the hands they are dealt and play the ones given to me to the best of my ability. I'm learning that love is the most beautiful pains i will ever get the honor to feel. I'm learning the right thing is typically the hardest thing to do and still the most rewarding thing to get done.
since this year has started i have made and lost old and new friends, and i cant say that i am disappointed with the way things have turned out. I've had my share of pain and tears with them but what I'm choosing to keep close to my heart are the smiles and laughter we shared. i want to remember all the people i called friend for the best them they put out there. i want to remember the face of them smiling loving laughing and living.
I'm working on my relationship with my family. things are getting better. tons better to be honest. I'm calling my family more. keeping in touch more often. visiting them more often. being more open and honest about who i am, what i do, and who i spend my time with. they have been amazingly understanding so far. its nice to have a family that loves me regardless of where i have been cause at least i am who i am today. i feel like they are becoming my safety net again. its beautiful to feel part of my family instead of feeling like i am watching my family. they know i rave and they know i love to dance. two big parts of my life lately. i have even gone as far as sharing my poetry with them.
Ive done a ton of self discovery this past month. begun to see the side of me that i would like to keep around. i want to thank you for helping me open up my eyes. means more than i can express in words. mahal kita.

i think i might just fall if i keep flying to him

falling. why in the world is that term associated with pain so often? sometimes falling is the best thing to do when everything is falling apart... fell on the bed im sitting on now and typing this up... regina spektor "fidelity" is playing in the background of my mind and on the speakers of my laptop...
im enjoying right now. the silent chaos of my thoughts is comforting. im happy. i just realized i didnt finish my last post and thats okay cause i feel like the night was too good to put an ending to anyways...
my life has changed so much since i posted that last blog... i mean so so so much has changed but yet still not that much has.
i am feeling stuck as i write this so much i want to say but dont know what i should keep to myself most of it im sure...
i think the way i feel about someone is dangerous. the possibility of getting hurt is always worth it though at least i always hope it is. and with this person i am sure it is. but there is no rush i cn wait and wait and wait on this one. i want to get to know this one inside out backwards fowards sideways and in all other possible ways.
last relationship ended... hurt like crazy. still hurts at times only when i stop to think about it. wanted it to work... it didn't. i cant always get what i want. i hope he does...
family. im working things out with them. sewing patches over the tears. building new bridges from my heart to thiers. its hard and i felt hurt still do at times but im forgiving these days not forgetting but forgiving. i want to feel like i can turn to them for anything at any time everytime. its just not feeling easy to do that right now but i am working on it.
i cried tonight. cried cause i was accepting my life as just that life. and i feel relieved. and i feel so blessed to have a friend who cares about me enough to listen and to love me. i feel blessed to have friends i can call family. i love them truly.
thats all i got right now. i cant do this right now. i need to think. im too into my head right now to get it out in this blog... will try again tomorrow.