good mourning

You stood next to me as tall as the Sears Tower
that
we never got into
much like the relationship
we never had

i've moved thru life
like that vacant
parking lot
we saw the city
& life
before we tumbeled
our own flesh and blood towers

i sang your name
in my native tongue
an act
ive not redone

i was mesmerized
mesmorizing
the laughter wrinkles
around your
sinking blue ocean eyes

you said
i couldnt love you
without knowing the little things
yet it was this little hting
that still wanted to love you

you broke a very important promise
& all i wanted to do was beat you
with my fist

i just wanted
you or i
not to exist

we were emotional
but far from endearing

his death was a hot knife searing
out end was nearing

you know not how many days felt like nights

every day since you left

ive continued to fight
hoping my mind wouldnt fly
back to the most pleasurable heart wrenching sight
the memory of that morning
that turned into
mourning.

lazy sunday

I woke up early today, well early for what most people wake up on Sunday. I had an awesome day ahead of me. I was looking forward to Chinatown Parade at 1 p.m. followed by Parkour around 2 p.m. things were looking good. Loved my hair and clothes, had all my things packed up. Even shared a few smiles, hugs, and kissess with the sweetiepie. Off I went facing a cold brisk walk down to the Austin blue line stop. I get there all hopes in hand and that wonderful 2 turnstile entrance decides to stop me and my plans dead in thier tracks. It must have been hungry and angry, because instead of taking a timestamp nible of the cta pass it ate it whole. It was not coming back to me... I waited and tried other cards which it ate too... nothing... I assumed defeat. I would have spoken to the cta attendent but this side of the stop doesn't have one of those. So here I am now, drinking juice, writing a blog looking the best I ever have to write a post, and staring aimlessly ahead at the hours left in this day.

It is winter isn't it?

I'm surprised Blogger hasnt shut my blog down because of how much I neglect it.... Life is moving at an odd pace of super quick and sand counting slow. I feel as if my hoop life over night went from something I only do in a basement to stages around Chicago. As if I called my fairy god mother and she was like click click your heels and heres some ordinary dust and poof. I'm proud to say I will be teaching hooping in an all womens gym this spring. I never thought hooping would go from hobby to passion to means of income all while remaining a passion. It's a lovely surprise. It's a whirlwhind to see the rotation of life. Going from hooper with loads of questions to a hooper being held at gun point with questions by new hoopers. Sometimes it's a little intimidating, but I'm over joyed to help! Don't get me wrong I still have lots of questions to ask as well as lots of things to figure out along the way with my hoop path. Least I can say is I'm very pleased to be on this loving journey. Hopefully I'll see some of the lovely faces who read this post with my hoop in hand or on hips soon.

In other news Fire Drums here I come! Also, big hugs to Gypsy Circus for being so warm and welcoming, and keeping me in thier loop. I appreciate the warm welcome. Also if you happen to be a woman in the Chicagoland area please feel free to attend a intro to hooping class for free with me at Good Gyrrl Studio the event info is here > > > great way to kick off womans heart association month!

Other non-sense soon to come!

i (insert verb here) you

I see you in the fall to sleep movies.
I breathe you in the open car window breeze.
I taste you in the syrup I put on my pancakes.
I smile you in the days I can sleep in late.
I nibble you in every cookie monster cupcake.
I dream you in my unconscious state.
I prepare you in the dinners I make.
I feel a lack of you in every embrace.
I drink you in every pink lemon aid.
I dance you in every track you use to play.
In case you don't understand by now,
I miss you nearly every moment I'm awake and you're away.

The End.

I have these memories that haunt me like a ghost. These are the memories I've learned to treasure most. So this is what it feels like to have your heart break?

sleep

i should be asleep right now. i should be tossing and turning under the warmth of my sheets, half ass attempting to count from 1000 to 1. i should be in tune with those crazy realistic much to life like dreams i have, and can clearly remember when i finally wake up, but no i am awake. awake and have something is calling to me, i just dont speak the language its calling me in. so i sit, i wonder, i read, i surf the web, and now i write. i write in hopes of finally running across a translator in my mind to clearly tell me in a way i can understand what the caller is saying. nothing, my mind is not translating. its fustrating feeling like i shouldnt be restless when i am. i keep going over the words the lady on the bus said to me " you are so beautiful, do u need to wear all that make up... why are u hiding". i had no reply for her then, i have no reply for her now. but its not that screaming to me in a lingo i dont get, its something else, something deeper. ive been wondering if its the conversation i had about "love" the other night with my boyfriend, and as much as i'd like to be simply that and how much his view on the word and my view on the word differ its not. its not about how i wish i had another part time job or a full time job or just more hours of work in general although that is constantly pressing on my mind. its still something deeper. i know its not the talk i had with my stepdad about birthcontrol, adoption, abortion and my health in general; which as awkward as the talk was, it was nice to talk about these concerns with someone, nice to know he is concerned with my well being. its something more. i have a calling for something in this life i live, and i have to find it, find what im suppose to be doing and settle the voice that wont let me sleep, and lull it to a sweet surender. my journey is calling and i think its about time i start to try and answer.

wandering to work in this weather

i'm outside on the gray slab streets, seeing concrete roads which have risen above my head ones who decided to touch the sky with windows that shine like diamonds in the right light. I am walking like a gazelle would effortlessly and gracefully run, batteling the elements with my scarf and peacoat, the wind slaps my cheeks leaving them a burning bright red, i'm nearly where i should be but more importantly where i need to be. I'm inside and the familiar takes over, I know the drill, I count in my mind, restock without much thought, cut effortlessly into the plastic carrier of the six pop pack, i begin to place the mugs on plates as the smell of juan valdez fills the room, the smell people are told to awake to. the sun it beams straight thru the nearly invisible wall that is cleaned twice a day cuz fingerprints are unsightly. I see people batteling the weather just as I did, on thier hunt for thier place to be, and I altough I am not where I will always want to be, i take a breath in, a smile shows on my face, and I unlike many at the moment am inside and warm, but I am warm from the inside, warm from the joy of the sunshine of how it feels to be doing what is necessary to go where I want to get. Its 11 am suddenly no longer time to bask in my joy, instead time to share my smile and the great uniter that is food with the world.

"i'm with him"

He held me there in his arms, on that bed with the camping flag as its main sheet, with a smile so perfectly his, his body heat warming up my cold hands and even colder feet, the beat of his heart was like a soothing pitter patter of rain, and I was as always instantly at ease. He does this for me, puts me at ease without trying. I tend to be a hyper, active, never sit still, blissful mess, but its when he kisses my forehead and just holds me smiling that the side of me that is never calm, finds a hide and seek spot and hides til its time to play again. Have I mentioned he makes the best sandwich ever? He does, its the perfect recipe and never fails to satisfy. He held me in the cold as we watched fire fan the frosty air, entertainment is always better when its in his company. He moves me when he's moving on the dance floor, his joy and love for dance are so clear to the eye, and I'm a sucker for the charm it brings out in him. He's patient with me, and god am I grateful. He teaches me things without rushing and his explanations are clear and accurate. I've never been happier to be labeled as taken. It brings me overwhelming joy when I get to point across the room and say " See the man in the hat, dancing. I'm with him".