sleep

i should be asleep right now. i should be tossing and turning under the warmth of my sheets, half ass attempting to count from 1000 to 1. i should be in tune with those crazy realistic much to life like dreams i have, and can clearly remember when i finally wake up, but no i am awake. awake and have something is calling to me, i just dont speak the language its calling me in. so i sit, i wonder, i read, i surf the web, and now i write. i write in hopes of finally running across a translator in my mind to clearly tell me in a way i can understand what the caller is saying. nothing, my mind is not translating. its fustrating feeling like i shouldnt be restless when i am. i keep going over the words the lady on the bus said to me " you are so beautiful, do u need to wear all that make up... why are u hiding". i had no reply for her then, i have no reply for her now. but its not that screaming to me in a lingo i dont get, its something else, something deeper. ive been wondering if its the conversation i had about "love" the other night with my boyfriend, and as much as i'd like to be simply that and how much his view on the word and my view on the word differ its not. its not about how i wish i had another part time job or a full time job or just more hours of work in general although that is constantly pressing on my mind. its still something deeper. i know its not the talk i had with my stepdad about birthcontrol, adoption, abortion and my health in general; which as awkward as the talk was, it was nice to talk about these concerns with someone, nice to know he is concerned with my well being. its something more. i have a calling for something in this life i live, and i have to find it, find what im suppose to be doing and settle the voice that wont let me sleep, and lull it to a sweet surender. my journey is calling and i think its about time i start to try and answer.