i (insert verb here) you

I see you in the fall to sleep movies.
I breathe you in the open car window breeze.
I taste you in the syrup I put on my pancakes.
I smile you in the days I can sleep in late.
I nibble you in every cookie monster cupcake.
I dream you in my unconscious state.
I prepare you in the dinners I make.
I feel a lack of you in every embrace.
I drink you in every pink lemon aid.
I dance you in every track you use to play.
In case you don't understand by now,
I miss you nearly every moment I'm awake and you're away.

The End.

I have these memories that haunt me like a ghost. These are the memories I've learned to treasure most. So this is what it feels like to have your heart break?

sleep

i should be asleep right now. i should be tossing and turning under the warmth of my sheets, half ass attempting to count from 1000 to 1. i should be in tune with those crazy realistic much to life like dreams i have, and can clearly remember when i finally wake up, but no i am awake. awake and have something is calling to me, i just dont speak the language its calling me in. so i sit, i wonder, i read, i surf the web, and now i write. i write in hopes of finally running across a translator in my mind to clearly tell me in a way i can understand what the caller is saying. nothing, my mind is not translating. its fustrating feeling like i shouldnt be restless when i am. i keep going over the words the lady on the bus said to me " you are so beautiful, do u need to wear all that make up... why are u hiding". i had no reply for her then, i have no reply for her now. but its not that screaming to me in a lingo i dont get, its something else, something deeper. ive been wondering if its the conversation i had about "love" the other night with my boyfriend, and as much as i'd like to be simply that and how much his view on the word and my view on the word differ its not. its not about how i wish i had another part time job or a full time job or just more hours of work in general although that is constantly pressing on my mind. its still something deeper. i know its not the talk i had with my stepdad about birthcontrol, adoption, abortion and my health in general; which as awkward as the talk was, it was nice to talk about these concerns with someone, nice to know he is concerned with my well being. its something more. i have a calling for something in this life i live, and i have to find it, find what im suppose to be doing and settle the voice that wont let me sleep, and lull it to a sweet surender. my journey is calling and i think its about time i start to try and answer.

wandering to work in this weather

i'm outside on the gray slab streets, seeing concrete roads which have risen above my head ones who decided to touch the sky with windows that shine like diamonds in the right light. I am walking like a gazelle would effortlessly and gracefully run, batteling the elements with my scarf and peacoat, the wind slaps my cheeks leaving them a burning bright red, i'm nearly where i should be but more importantly where i need to be. I'm inside and the familiar takes over, I know the drill, I count in my mind, restock without much thought, cut effortlessly into the plastic carrier of the six pop pack, i begin to place the mugs on plates as the smell of juan valdez fills the room, the smell people are told to awake to. the sun it beams straight thru the nearly invisible wall that is cleaned twice a day cuz fingerprints are unsightly. I see people batteling the weather just as I did, on thier hunt for thier place to be, and I altough I am not where I will always want to be, i take a breath in, a smile shows on my face, and I unlike many at the moment am inside and warm, but I am warm from the inside, warm from the joy of the sunshine of how it feels to be doing what is necessary to go where I want to get. Its 11 am suddenly no longer time to bask in my joy, instead time to share my smile and the great uniter that is food with the world.

"i'm with him"

He held me there in his arms, on that bed with the camping flag as its main sheet, with a smile so perfectly his, his body heat warming up my cold hands and even colder feet, the beat of his heart was like a soothing pitter patter of rain, and I was as always instantly at ease. He does this for me, puts me at ease without trying. I tend to be a hyper, active, never sit still, blissful mess, but its when he kisses my forehead and just holds me smiling that the side of me that is never calm, finds a hide and seek spot and hides til its time to play again. Have I mentioned he makes the best sandwich ever? He does, its the perfect recipe and never fails to satisfy. He held me in the cold as we watched fire fan the frosty air, entertainment is always better when its in his company. He moves me when he's moving on the dance floor, his joy and love for dance are so clear to the eye, and I'm a sucker for the charm it brings out in him. He's patient with me, and god am I grateful. He teaches me things without rushing and his explanations are clear and accurate. I've never been happier to be labeled as taken. It brings me overwhelming joy when I get to point across the room and say " See the man in the hat, dancing. I'm with him".

its cold in the D

I'm buttoning up his buttons on his double breasted coat, and the warmth of his smile mixed with the stinging pain in his arm leave me speechless.He's handsome. My skin tingles, my cheeks blush, and I am left admiring him before he begins to sing me sweet, simple, solid compliments. He's tired and hungry, I'm content to the point of blissful. We wind up watching a cartoon, he falls to sleep long before I do. I use to try counting from a thousand to one to help me fall to sleep, counting the beats of his heart or the takes of his breath works better, they sooth me a perfect reminder that I'm alive and he is with me; and this moment right here right now is what serenity must feel like.

I've got more than any girl truly needs. I'm fortunate, I'm blessed. I lose sight of how amazing my life is more often than I should. I get lost in irrelevant stresses of every day life. I fuss over minor inconveniences which won't matter tomorrow or even in a minute. I need to count my blessings more often than I do, I'm sure it will help me keep sight of the things I find great joy in.

February ended beautifully, I'm in March now and in just a few short days I won't be a teenager anymore. I'm nervous and excited, but most of all I'm happy for my here and now. The future will be what the future will be, its up to me to make it there and remain on my road named Happy.

our first broke weekend...

This weekend was the first time my boyfriend and I have both been entirely broke, but it didn't make our weekend fall short of our normal happy, silly smiles, and giggle routine. If anything I really enjoyed catching up on sleep and lounging in my pajamas, as well as not having used makeup for a few days. Plus, the money we didn't blow on randomness is going to be plenty worth it for next weekend. I'm excited for our first trip together out of state. I enjoy the planning, the budgeting, and the thought of playing "punchbuggy"/"slugbug" (depends on which of us starts the game). Might I also add, my sweetcakes has now learned to make a perfectly wonderful taco all on his lonesome! The days of him being domestically challenged (okay, it's not so much challenged in all things domestic more like in the kitchen) are drawing to a near end. I'm proud of his organizational changes in his bedroom; I must say I really like all the things he uses to organize his room, they happen to pretty nifty from my point of view. Also, I'm hoping he will send me the pictures he took with his new toy (a.k.a an expensive camera lens)of the games we played this weekend. I'm gonna pretend that my boyfriend let me win at the board games we played (hahaha but he and I both know the truth) UNO was interesting, but I've never heard so much fowl language used in a game of SCRABBLE before.

Enough about my relationship for now, the rest of my life is going pretty well as well. I have my set schedule at work and didn't mess up a singe order on Terribly Troubling Thursday {a.k.a Terrific Thursday [said with a hint of sarcasm under a perfect smile]}. I enjoy the fact we get paid in the middle of the week. It makes for the best "hump day" without actually humping anything. Even though my amazing wonderful "hump day/ pay day" is followed Terrific Thursday, there is one thing about it that truly is terrific. I'm now part of a knitting/crocheting club on the train with my friend Dominique. We have dubbed ourselves goshdarnKnit ! I enjoy our talks of interesting people, fashion, food, and how we feel people are probably making fun of us inside of their minds when they hear the dramatic changes in music coming out of our mp3 players as they sit next to us and pretend not to pay any mind to the loudest sound our earbuds can make as they continue to keep the same muted face with no hint of a smile in sight because they are sick of sitting on the train next to anyone who is half enjoying this miserable everyday train ride they call their life.

I have started making up my birthday plans as well! Exciting! Exciting! My cousins Nicole, Crystal, and I have agreed upon celebrating our birthday as an 80s themed party at our grama's house for the first Friday in March! Then on Saturday the actual day of my birth, I'm finally going to see the PostSecret exhibit I've been wanting to see since last year. It's finally in Chicago and I am so excited!!! 'Tis all for now folks!

< than one month home

update time.

received, my first paycheck from my new job, and am keeping a financial worksheet, yay to new habits. i finally feel i'm getting the swing of my work world duties. as james would say i'm fitting into my many hats at the job. i'm the baby at work, the youngest in the crew by two years at the least, which is just fine by me, i'm happily enjoying my youth. the food at my place of employment is fantastic and i'm sure plenty of people say that about the food at their job, but i can say that honestly. i haven't tried something i don't like. im a huge fan of their soup of the day, every single time i work!

i'm currently working on eliminating carbonated beverages from my diet, then hopefully after i adjust to that i can eliminate all beverages that aren't 100% fruit juice or milk/water. i know i should start building healthier habits one step at a time before i start going to doctor visits when im older and trying to reverse poor choices i make now. also, just found an exercise routine, that fits my lifestyle and is practical for my wants/needs as well as that I have all the equipment to do already here in my home. [my parents have supplied my siblings and i with pretty much any gym equipment anyone could need].

update on my non work related life, my past few weekends with my boyfriend have been nothing short of absolutely enjoyable. i know now that i was absolutely spoiled rotten having had the chance to live with him for the first 3 weeks of our relationship. i do however value the time we get to spend together more than ever before. i'm really happy to say i'm finally financially able to share in the cost of us eating/doing activities. i also don't mind the train commute to and from his place, gives me time to form all the butterflies in my tummy as i attempt to patiently wait to see him again. we spent a lovely valentines weekend mainly sleeping [cuddeling is probably my favorite part of any weekend we are together, maybe with the exception of when he teaches me something new]we also cooked a few yummy chicken meals together, went ice skating [the man can skate backward circles around me, at least i didn't fall {on the ground} or hit anyone], as well as attend winter peace fest [left early on account to not liking the music and now wanting to wait around another hour in terror that our ears would fly off]. btw did i mention his invention of dumbo kisses!!! <3

my little sister and mom have strep throat atm... at least my lil sis had a good birthday at chuck e cheese with my family yesterday. i think she is an amazingly neat 7 year old. she wants to be a hunter for a living. which makes perfect sense, really.

these next few weeks are sure to be full of new routines and plenty of fun plans, i'm excited, and its been under a month and i'm already feeling on track!

one week back

i had forgotten how busy living back home could be. early morning running straight into late nights. never ending stampede of feet to rush to meet those whom im suppose to greet. living back home, using my agenda more to see you less. appreciating the quality of our time instead of taking for granted the quantity of it. growing in the right now to better the future.

so one week back home and im fully moved in all things unpacked. have a new job, and am on the schedule {after two days of training i was training the new guy}. back to being at sporting practices and tournaments for the siblings. also, gotten back into the swing of using my agenda multiple times a day to make sure i don't forget to stick to the plan. its busy around here, i forget sometimes to eat, in hopes of not missing a beat. im hoping it will only take one more week to break me into schedule. there are things i wanna do while im here and while i feel im off to a good start im sure i could do more to make it better.

my past weekend was a blast. i enjoyed NitGrit and Spankalicious taking over my sense of hearing, it was pleasant to say the least. my chicken nugget lunch and chocolate chip pancakes {BACON} breakfast were amazing meals. bbc life series is shot to perfection. and this bear is getting me thru the cold nights, he lets me cuddle him and it feels just right.

24 hours.

in the last 24 hours my life has been super busy... moved all my things. unpacked 75% of them. did tons of chores. painted the nails on many hands. played with the lil sis. went to an interview. got orientation for work tomorrow. life is picking up speed, and quick. i moved back home with the goal of getting my life together i just wasn't expecting it to all happen so fast. despite some odds, i'm happy. i have friends i look forward to seeing really soon, and other plans that are seeming to shine bright.

the work load wishes...

Finally able to blog some good news. My hunt for work has finally started to flower, and hopefully the fruit of my labor will soon blossom. I had an interview for a hostessing position this past Thursday. I can say I had a good time waiting for my interview to happen, made great conversation with a "single serving" friend. She was lovely, stylish, and a complete sweetheart. The interview itself wasn't anything like any other interview I have ever been on. I wasn't asked any questions about why I qualified for the position, instead the conversation we had was about my love of food and my family history with food. in the middle of the conversation we were interrupted, because of some ordeal with a wine order. During the time this took to be fixed I gathered that the man that was interviewing me wasn't just another worker, but instead the owner of 5 major city hot-spots for dining himself. He was a pretty chill guy, and referred me to three other places to apply to work at and said to use him as a recommendation. I take it I didn't get the job at his place, but he did say he highly recommends for me to attempt at the other places. So attempt, I will.

On another note, I have a meet up coming up sometime this week for a baby sitting gig that pays forty dollars for four hours. I will be baby sitting a two year old girl. I really hope I can get the job, cause it would be nice to be making some sort of income. Plus from the e-mails the mother and I have been sending each other this should work out wonderfully. *crosses fingers*

Along with all of the other work related news I have an interview on Tuesday at 7 p.m. for a part time cashiering position at the pasta bowl. I am hoping for the best with that interview. I haven't stopped looking for work yet, I have sent out my resume to about 20 other places this week. I know that with patience and persistence I will land a job.

thank you...

thank you to the people who continually tell me things i already know. i appreciate it, i really do, it adds to the fire that fuels me to keep pressing forth. I'd like to add not all the things you say out of spite do me harm in fact most of it can be seen in a different light and used as positive enforcement to help me do better. i will say i am very sad that you spend valuable precious moments of your time coming up with a way to hurt me and my emotions. it is a waste of your life to spend your time finding a way to send negative messages my way. would it not have been better to spend that minute or two reflecting on the positive aspects of your life and feel good about yourself that way? no, instead you took those two minutes {which over a life time will continue to add up} to send me negative vibes which I'm sure just put you in a worse mood than you were already in... to what make you feel like you are a better person than i am? wouldn't the bigger person just let it go, especially if it does not directly effect your life? i just hope that someday instead of putting others down and wasting your time putting more negative energy in the world, that you will all take those two minutes to reflect upon the things that bring you joy, make you happy, and that you do well. your rep what you sow, so sow positivity in your free time instead of coming up with new ways to rep hate.

19

i can feel the hot wet salty tears streaming and streaking down my face over the red heated blush of my cheeks, my eyes are now the fountain of every wish i made on a penny that never came true. you silent and concerned in the darkness of this night even without being able to see i could feel you looking me straight in the eyes. the hysteric mumbling of my insecurities as i prepare to take flight, are stilled you have me sit tight, take a deep breath, calm down realize come morning it will be alright. your words they play on repeat, a broken record but you don't own vinyl "19". my inner gemini fights between my logic and your insight i feel you hug me tight, the sound of my giggle is light like your pillows, we speak serious nonsense until you fall to sleep, as i watch the sun spread over the room like warm yellow paint over a canvas, a warm closed eyes smile covers my face finally i say "i'm 19 you're right".