oh my life is one trip through the clouds

and then the alligators ate the animal circus parade riding on their backs in the clouds and we knew "we had seen it all". up the stairs, through the two doors, turn right, turn left,up the stairs, through the door to the left, a few steps into the room, open the window, grab 2 pillows and 2 blankets on the way out, step onto the mini roof big enough for three and there sat we: marina, flozel, and me. the closing hoorah to our night was watching sunrise over the city I-90/94 highway. I recommended a chilly sunrise with good friends and great imaginations on the first fall feeling day of the year.

was my weekend fun of course it was surrounded by friends who never let me fall behind and a smile spread across my face so big i was incapable of talking. no joke so in awe i couldn't speak properly for hours... i danced boy oh boy did i dance... liquid and i are starting to flow together in and out of my mind and body... loving the music, liquid and i.

decisions decisions decisions... i don't know where i stand on certain subjects sometimes and having to make up my mind is such a daunting task... i want to do the right thing and it never seems to be right. i want to make life okay for me and everyone i know and i can't... no matter what i decide to do someone will get hurt. but if i don't make up my mind i will sit and suffer with my confusion. rot in my own mind and continue to waste my time. i cant make everyone happy i just cant and it tears me up inside... but there i go again trying to please everyone but me. never putting how i feel first as if i don't matter. as if how i feel shouldn't be the most important aspect in my decision making. i never speak up for how i feel about things, i always put the feelings of others in front of mine and never actually get what i want. i continually give myself the short end of the stick and its just not fair to me anymore. its time for me to ask Delila "what does Delila want" and "how does Delila get that". Delila needs to figure out what makes Delila happy and run with it even if it doesn't make others happy because at the end of the day Delila is sure others will do what makes them happy regardless of what Delila wants.

didnt even notice it had been this long.

so much has happened from the time i wrote last up until current. my party life is winding down and i love the change of pace. i'm ready to enjoy the earth again its beauty, and thanks to a friend now more than ever i want to learn a way to help preserve it. i can say that these last 2 maybe 3 weeks i have been growing at an alarming rate mentally, artistically, emotionally, and in all the ways that count for when joining the realm of adulthood. please don't get me wrong i know i am still a child but i am not unaware of the fact that the time to not waste in my life is now. the time to build for my future is present and that i must not let it be overshadowed by the flashing lights in the most literal sense. yes it is okay to have fun, but by no means should fun be the only thing my life consist of. i need to prepare for my future and its something that i should have been working on yesterday a year ago... i'm learning that passion and persistence are the key to getting where you want to go and where you need to be, i am also dually learning that along the way it is okay to indulge in the present. so long as enjoying the right now is done after the preparation for my future has been worked on. i'm discovering this thing called self worth and i have plenty that is worth more than anyone person can put a price on. i have to stop selling myself short and just try the worst i can do is not get it right the first time around. cause trying doesn't mean doing something once and quitting. it means continually working towards the larger goal and finding the errors and fixing them along the way. i want to work on my life again. i want to remember what made me happy before and so i did some digging into my past and into my family. it has been there all along. what i love has not changed and i doubt it ever will. fear stopped me from attempting my goal once before this time it doesn't stand a chance.i want to teach kindergarten and i am going to do it. i love children they are the most perfect beings in the universe right now and i want to be there to remind them that they are amazing just as is and can do all they want if they really want it. i want to teach it is my life goal. on the side of teaching there are dozens of things i want to do but none are as deeply set in my heart as teaching is.

i want to say thank you to a friend who has been giving me advice when i seek it, and that has the patience to not wig out on me for still being a child and can see i'm finally just starting to grow into me. so thank you it means so very much to me.

thats all for this post. i've got some soul searching and thinking to do and i want to write a personal entry in my journal just for me.

Time And I Flew at Spring Fever P.2

where do i even begin the day that was part two to spring fever?

wake up!!! shower.shower.shower. wait around for hunger to kick in. a few more showers. finally we are out the door. just me and the guys. taking a nice little walk to Paul Bunions a place that supposedly has killer food. I'm spinning lights all the way there. multiple camera shots, laughs, giggles, and we finally arrive. Before we even step inside we see what happens to be a lumber jack version of what i think Goliath would be he is a huge huge statue. So of course our littlest guy friend has to pretend to be David and sock him one in the nuts. kudos to you my good sir :) . we get inside to be welcomed by a gift shop. if ya ask me a gift shop right in the entrance of any restaurant is just tacky... i take one quick look at the menu and already my mind is yelling full force don't you dare eat ribs at this time of day... so while the guys decide if their tummy's can handle ribs and what not i play with the large wind chimes as obnoxiously as i can. no one can handle the menu and we bounce out of that place. best part is we end up walking all the way back from where we started to go the the Denny's we originally said we should have gone to... we all order breakfast foods. and i swear we had the nicest waitress ever. she gave me a whole free cup of juice when i asked to sample the crazy new beverages at no extra cost to me but a smile :).

we arrive back at the hotel. tons and tons of roaming the hallways gets done. tons of sitting in the room waiting patiently for the night to hit gets done. tons of talking, laughing, bickering, smiling, and finally some damn swimming is all accomplished. slowly but surely the rest of our crew makes it out to us. yet the night is still not here. more hanging out only the way we know how is done. and its time. we all look at each other giggles and anticipation rising we say our cheers to one another. and the night begins...

I am not sure how anyone else spent their night. I am not sure if anyone had as good a time as I did. What I do know is that i did more things in that one night than I probably had in the last 5 months weekends put together. I can't recall the night in its entirety, what I do remember however was

~ Spinning lights outside in a parking lot, on the way to another hotel, on a ledge, on 2 stages, in the main room, in the hallways, in the pool, in the hot tub, in our room, in a strangers room, on a strangers bed, and in the main lobby.

~ Swimming!! Lots and Lots of Swimming! Fully dressed! Wearing a tutu under water, and feeling like a mermaid... Jumping into the Deep end of the pool not knowing how to swim finally getting over my fear of deep water! (Mind you I was successfully able to recruit every person in the pool and the hot tub to stand around the pool with me and all of jump in at the same time to help me get over my fear and check something off my bucket list. I am so thankful to everyone who jumped with me.)Dancing with my friends and new people and my boyfriend under water was liberating!!!

~Playing Call Of DUTY MODERN WARFARE 2 while jumping on a bed soaking wet with a group of girls I had never met all while laughing!!!

~Seeing Silkworms in a blossoming tree spinning silk, doing an elaborate dance under the spring moon. Shared that beautiful moment with the universe and a new best friend of mine.

~Dancing!!!Dancing!!!Dancing!!!and might I add some more DANCING! Tons of liquid dancing was done! I danced my little butt off! I also diced some people to tiny little pieces with my miming routine :). Man, the dancing done that night done by my friends and I was all sorts of amazing and odd and inspirational and entertaining. I love them.

~Hoola Hoops and Jump Ropes! Need I say more???

~Random hopeless adventure to find my missing TUTU at 6 in the morning... Hooray It was returned to me the following day but that is a whole other story!

~But what I remember most about that evening was a sense of unity. No matter where we were in the hotel no matter how many times we lost and found each other no matter anything there was a sense of unity. It was more than crystal clear that we were all friends that we were all always looking out for one another and were all concerned with the happiness of the people we call friends. It was a beautiful party but more importantly it was an amazing vacation that helped us just enjoy the time we do have with each other. I love them.

Part 3 will be posted soon... til then... "this is the story of a girl"

News Flash

Everything I write and say has already been said and written.
Everything I think is already someone else's old news.
Isn't it great being unique?... I'm just like you.

I am so lost in my head today...

Time and I Flew at Spring Fever!

what a weekend... i have not enough words to describe the chaos that is and was the beautiful amazing time i had that weekend... no way can i tell the story well enough no possible way for me to capture the amazing funtastic time that i had with my friends the family i got to choose and that chose me. i love them i truly do.

i guess lets start with the car ride to our car ride. getting dressed and undressed in the car. can you yell awkward and exciting. freeing myself of my everyday clothing and shedding into my rainbow colored skin. my makeup and clothing in every color under the shining sun. then a lovely walk around meijer in my lovely clothing mind you I'm the only one in a tutu and knee high rainbow socks and tube top in the whole place. my company in the store looked ever so normal in comparison. oh for the lovely smiles i shared with those who gave me glares.

finally get to the car we are suppose to be in. i slept most of the way i mean the only time i spent up was to make HENRY his sign. i slept the rest of the way. woke up to being rushed out of the car with bags weighing down each arm. and realizing it was a tad nipply out side... but still sweet weather.

longest check in to a hotel i have ever experienced followed the placement of a not fitting wrist band... finding the room to stay in was easy as pie. a nice little view over looking the pool, one that was shortly known to be perfect for watching silly people do silly dances and cannon balls. shortly after settling in the rest of the crew files in. its all laughs from then on senseless wandering of the halls, wandering between rooms, finding out who is where as we prepare for the weekend.

the music in the small room that night was meh. i much more preferred watching my amazing friends dislike the music as much as i did; they made up ridiculous dances to song lyrics that were strictly dedicated to sucking penis... i don't need to further explain the silliness that goes along with that. we dipped out of that room just in time to not further damage our ears for life. more roaming of the hall ways. splitting up into smaller groups then ending up along then forming other groups and somehow all ending up in the room at the same time most of the night.

a few photo shoots done with [R]andomus on the speakers set up in the main room that would be used the next night. Click, click, click no flash and still amazing shots. Friends peeking thru their curtains seeing what is going on in the near empty room. Smiles and waves shared with no hold back of laughter. Curtain close and i string for the first time. If you don't know what stringing is... {its a dance done with glow sticks on strings spinning in orbs to the beat of electronic dance music}.... My stringing guru explains the pull and force motion as i will call it to me. I watch him perform. Then i begin, suddenly it is just me and the lights. This type of loneliness i love. Its the type of loneliness that consumes me in concentration, makes me strive for perfection, helps me escape from the worries of the world. I become so alone i didn't notice my guru had been long gone. Strings wrapped so tight around my hands they begin to fall to sleep. Unlucky timing for me two drunk men. Completely harmless amazed by my very few stringing skills and just wanting to try them out themselves. So i let them... My guru returns further amazes them and they with their drunk self-conscience selves say thank you and take their leave. My guru and i spin on. I have now a healthy light spinning addiction...

Make it back to the room. granola bars passed around, candy fills our bellies. and we go for another walk. More photos taken. Secret rooms found and lost again. Laughter fills the halls and we get lost and found again between the maze like walls. Vending machine blunders... And back to the room again... TV is blaring and we talk over the static sound of cartoons all of us fighting to not be in control of the remote control... all war is ended as we fall to sleep snores humming under the sound of the TV... shared beds and blankets. too hot and too cold. perfect harmony. and we sleep.

that was all Friday night. i will write about Saturday night soon. tis all for now. currently a smile from ear to ear.

im no swan when it comes to dancing...

it has been a rocky road as of late luckily I'm referring to the ice cream. some times sweet sometimes a little nutty.
today i used dance to escape. i escaped the world and myself dancing today. recorded myself and all so i have something to critique. to learn from to work past. i danced until my muscles ached and until i was sweating and until my body burned. i danced til i got dizzy. i danced and forgot momentarily that anything besides music existed. today i danced.
I've been really confused as of late unsure of many things and yet in the mist of great amounts of confusion, i have learned. i have learned who is worth risking pouring my heart out to and who is not. i am learning to let others deal the hands they are dealt and play the ones given to me to the best of my ability. I'm learning that love is the most beautiful pains i will ever get the honor to feel. I'm learning the right thing is typically the hardest thing to do and still the most rewarding thing to get done.
since this year has started i have made and lost old and new friends, and i cant say that i am disappointed with the way things have turned out. I've had my share of pain and tears with them but what I'm choosing to keep close to my heart are the smiles and laughter we shared. i want to remember all the people i called friend for the best them they put out there. i want to remember the face of them smiling loving laughing and living.
I'm working on my relationship with my family. things are getting better. tons better to be honest. I'm calling my family more. keeping in touch more often. visiting them more often. being more open and honest about who i am, what i do, and who i spend my time with. they have been amazingly understanding so far. its nice to have a family that loves me regardless of where i have been cause at least i am who i am today. i feel like they are becoming my safety net again. its beautiful to feel part of my family instead of feeling like i am watching my family. they know i rave and they know i love to dance. two big parts of my life lately. i have even gone as far as sharing my poetry with them.
Ive done a ton of self discovery this past month. begun to see the side of me that i would like to keep around. i want to thank you for helping me open up my eyes. means more than i can express in words. mahal kita.

i think i might just fall if i keep flying to him

falling. why in the world is that term associated with pain so often? sometimes falling is the best thing to do when everything is falling apart... fell on the bed im sitting on now and typing this up... regina spektor "fidelity" is playing in the background of my mind and on the speakers of my laptop...
im enjoying right now. the silent chaos of my thoughts is comforting. im happy. i just realized i didnt finish my last post and thats okay cause i feel like the night was too good to put an ending to anyways...
my life has changed so much since i posted that last blog... i mean so so so much has changed but yet still not that much has.
i am feeling stuck as i write this so much i want to say but dont know what i should keep to myself most of it im sure...
i think the way i feel about someone is dangerous. the possibility of getting hurt is always worth it though at least i always hope it is. and with this person i am sure it is. but there is no rush i cn wait and wait and wait on this one. i want to get to know this one inside out backwards fowards sideways and in all other possible ways.
last relationship ended... hurt like crazy. still hurts at times only when i stop to think about it. wanted it to work... it didn't. i cant always get what i want. i hope he does...
family. im working things out with them. sewing patches over the tears. building new bridges from my heart to thiers. its hard and i felt hurt still do at times but im forgiving these days not forgetting but forgiving. i want to feel like i can turn to them for anything at any time everytime. its just not feeling easy to do that right now but i am working on it.
i cried tonight. cried cause i was accepting my life as just that life. and i feel relieved. and i feel so blessed to have a friend who cares about me enough to listen and to love me. i feel blessed to have friends i can call family. i love them truly.
thats all i got right now. i cant do this right now. i need to think. im too into my head right now to get it out in this blog... will try again tomorrow.