im no swan when it comes to dancing...

it has been a rocky road as of late luckily I'm referring to the ice cream. some times sweet sometimes a little nutty.
today i used dance to escape. i escaped the world and myself dancing today. recorded myself and all so i have something to critique. to learn from to work past. i danced until my muscles ached and until i was sweating and until my body burned. i danced til i got dizzy. i danced and forgot momentarily that anything besides music existed. today i danced.
I've been really confused as of late unsure of many things and yet in the mist of great amounts of confusion, i have learned. i have learned who is worth risking pouring my heart out to and who is not. i am learning to let others deal the hands they are dealt and play the ones given to me to the best of my ability. I'm learning that love is the most beautiful pains i will ever get the honor to feel. I'm learning the right thing is typically the hardest thing to do and still the most rewarding thing to get done.
since this year has started i have made and lost old and new friends, and i cant say that i am disappointed with the way things have turned out. I've had my share of pain and tears with them but what I'm choosing to keep close to my heart are the smiles and laughter we shared. i want to remember all the people i called friend for the best them they put out there. i want to remember the face of them smiling loving laughing and living.
I'm working on my relationship with my family. things are getting better. tons better to be honest. I'm calling my family more. keeping in touch more often. visiting them more often. being more open and honest about who i am, what i do, and who i spend my time with. they have been amazingly understanding so far. its nice to have a family that loves me regardless of where i have been cause at least i am who i am today. i feel like they are becoming my safety net again. its beautiful to feel part of my family instead of feeling like i am watching my family. they know i rave and they know i love to dance. two big parts of my life lately. i have even gone as far as sharing my poetry with them.
Ive done a ton of self discovery this past month. begun to see the side of me that i would like to keep around. i want to thank you for helping me open up my eyes. means more than i can express in words. mahal kita.

i think i might just fall if i keep flying to him

falling. why in the world is that term associated with pain so often? sometimes falling is the best thing to do when everything is falling apart... fell on the bed im sitting on now and typing this up... regina spektor "fidelity" is playing in the background of my mind and on the speakers of my laptop...
im enjoying right now. the silent chaos of my thoughts is comforting. im happy. i just realized i didnt finish my last post and thats okay cause i feel like the night was too good to put an ending to anyways...
my life has changed so much since i posted that last blog... i mean so so so much has changed but yet still not that much has.
i am feeling stuck as i write this so much i want to say but dont know what i should keep to myself most of it im sure...
i think the way i feel about someone is dangerous. the possibility of getting hurt is always worth it though at least i always hope it is. and with this person i am sure it is. but there is no rush i cn wait and wait and wait on this one. i want to get to know this one inside out backwards fowards sideways and in all other possible ways.
last relationship ended... hurt like crazy. still hurts at times only when i stop to think about it. wanted it to work... it didn't. i cant always get what i want. i hope he does...
family. im working things out with them. sewing patches over the tears. building new bridges from my heart to thiers. its hard and i felt hurt still do at times but im forgiving these days not forgetting but forgiving. i want to feel like i can turn to them for anything at any time everytime. its just not feeling easy to do that right now but i am working on it.
i cried tonight. cried cause i was accepting my life as just that life. and i feel relieved. and i feel so blessed to have a friend who cares about me enough to listen and to love me. i feel blessed to have friends i can call family. i love them truly.
thats all i got right now. i cant do this right now. i need to think. im too into my head right now to get it out in this blog... will try again tomorrow.

i wrote this on Feb.23.2010
~whole heartedly he said it to me
lying straight thru his teeth
one day i will knock her off her feet~

as i write this i can feel each of my muscles screamingat me for the extended of use ive put them thru... as if packing and moving wasnt enough for them.ive been trying to successfully complete the most basic of dance moves...(and i still am not getting them right, its paniful to watch how badly i train wreck the few moves i have been taught...)

~begin to cry.stop. turn around.pick up a smile. throw out a frown.~

so now my vocabulary consist of the words: dance, liquid, popping, locking, breaking, waving, robot, digits, flowing, connecting,house, break beats, dub step, womp, braiding: and if my brain didnt feel like it was over loaded with information there would probably be more words in that list.

JUGGERNAUT! if ou can say the word amazing you have just made an understatement to how cool the even was. (side note: ethan win it! thank you so very much for getting me to JUGGERNAUT! i had an amazing and "spectacular/spectacular" time.) now for anyone who claims to have seen a UFO has not seen the lights that illuminated the stage at JUGGERNAUT! So far they have the dopest light set up i have ever seen. oh and i couldnt have been happier that plain white tom was the m.c. that got my night started. he generates a type of get up and move dont be shy energy that is unlike any other. i can seriusly say appreciate the way he momentarily steps off stage to round up and hype the peope up that are on the dance floor. amazing vibes tom. ah, the music. man, the dj's kept me moving the whole night. i swear at some point when they were spinning it was like they were playing the beating of my heart. yet, nothing at all that night captivated me more than the dancing the fine gentlemen of floasis did that night. hour upon hour they

somedays i am a penguin...

feb 7.2010
train talks and bull shit walks

metra needs to get its fucking act together. meth smoking on the train calling hte cops and 25 minute delays. oh and waiting for the train in the cold while people are in their car all damn warm watching me do my version of dancing. i look like a crazy and its okay cause its all about the dance and me anwyays.

feb ? 2010

i dont have a whole messy sotry to give any of you for this particular day and in fact i dont remember exactly waht day it was... i think it was the 12th or the 13th... all i know is that the following words were my thoughts.
let the earth breathe
stay on the beach, feel the sand and the sun take baths in the lone
i am okay with my world being shaken in the end i am all shattered and all stable
the emptiness is consuming and i am all too inviting
life is in constant motion and the world trembles i am so pleased to be sturdy
there is so much life i dont know about
i am so lost i am found
its okay to feel lost in life just means you are still looking for yourself and that is a beautiful life long journey
the names were there and then they wre gone and i still wrote on
i am my presence i can not give you anything more myself
i can feel my life getting ready to change... all the time
i can find the scary me within my mind and within the scary me i can find peace hope and tranquility
i kept slipping sliding stumbling and falling but i also kept taking that next step
i have what it takes to get back up
i know how it was suppost to look and how it was suppose to feel then i met you, you shook that up in a violent way. i love you. thank you and im okay.
my mind is both a beautiful and dangerous place living in constant cahso within my body and yet i can find a balance of sorts what i will call my inner harmony
everyday is a life celebration
how can nearly every exit really be an entrance and how can nrearly every entrance be an exit
each stip i take in the opposite direction makes it easier to no go back and continue walking away
i am complete all on my own you happen to be an amazing bonus in my life i am me +1 amazing you.

okay the next post will be up probably tomorrow... its too much for me to type right now... and i pull these straight out of my journal sumtimes...

tweet tweet i love the beat

its not about ur birthdate or ur deathdate its all about what u do inbetween those two dates -delila

lately my life has been all about dates. all types of dates. i have no idea what to do with plans anymore. i lost my agenda... i need that thing. i depend on it to make sure i get things done and i go places and keep my dates with people...and here is a nice little fact about my agenda at the end of it i look at each page and see what i did with my life each and every single day helps me feel like i didnt waste a day that each day was important and significant. i love knowing that each day was a day i took advantage of.

since ive begun blogging i write in my journal less and less

LOVE BIRD

~Fleeting moments in composing,
Furiously the lyrics are flowing.~
-Delila

It seems that once again life has shown me another beautiful thing the inside pages of a person held together by humble bidings, a person who is more than a cover and a title. i find it so refreshing to meet people who are down to earth and know that what they have had to be earned. That earning something take time and effort, hard work and perseverance. i've made a friend Audio Tom, and he happens to be quite a nice fellow: his quirks and smirk can win a heart: he wears neon green instead of sunshine yellow. i love you.

i loved a guy on the train the other day for near an hour. he made me laugh. he made me smile. he spoke of love, dance, art, family, sparks, and love some more. he is in love with life and only 24. he seems passionate in only a way that this French Colombian man can be. a mixed breed with green eyes, sandy brown hair, tan skin, and fine lips for a man. he says he falls in love daily and i for one believe him. it isn't one of those fake or cheesy or perverted lustful loves either. he falls in love with life and with the word love itself. i have never had a more perfect train ride in my life than the one i spent with him. i'm glad that he was captured by my, "powers of magnetism" or so he called what drew him to converse with me. He told me so much about himself in such a short amount of time, and i cannot wait to write as much of it as i can remember in my journal or in the book i am writing. train man jon i thank you for showing me a new type of love. i hope you paint, juggle, do splits, play music, and dance. you have a beautiful spark. i am happy to have momentarily shared love with you. i loved you.

"there are so many types of love, i have never felt before"-Delila

i am finding that there are really so many different types of love. i am seeing love in an all new way and have been since this year has started. it's exciting and crippling all at once this new discovery in this old as earth feeling: LOVE. i am disappointed that the English language has only one form and one way of saying I love you for all the different types of love felt. i hope each person knows in which way i love them. "those three words aer said too much but never enough"(?), i hope anyone who reads this can begin to understand that when i write of someone why i say, i love you. i can never espress those feelings and emotions enough. also, today i'd like to say i love myself. (as a side note, love is not the only emotion i have. eventually just not in this blog i will write about feelings such as anger, rage, greed, jealousy, and etc... so please refrain from calling me a hypocrite. i know there is more than love when it comes to emotions, i just don't want to dwell on those feelings for as long as i want to dwell on love and happiness.)

i guess i should inform whoever happens to read my blog that i take the train often, and enjoy talking to people on the train. i find it so surprising how nice people can be if given the opportunity to show it. most of the people i will blog about i will never blog about again, because i will probably never see them again. life is full of moments, and i happen to be enjoying them (especially on the train).

Ethan Win It, i am now going to be posting some of my little hurried scribbles that you thought i should post on my blog. thank you for helping me find the courage to post my almost poem like feelings. i love you.

~Within every moment there is a chance,
Sharing simple smiles with every glance.
I hope you don't mind when I stare,
I can tell you aren't unaware.~
-Delila

If anyone cares to know who any one of my poems is about to feel free to ask me. if you want the full story behind any one of my poems feel free to ask me that as well.

~I stare at her.
He stares at me.
We stare at him.
He is seeing the unseen,
From behind the see thru looking screen.~
-Delila

Plain White Tom [(I follow his blog and I recommend you to check it out) i love you] has made it very clear to me that METH is becoming a pretty big problem and is swallowing people whole! Devoruing friends, family, and lovers as entire beings. Spread the awareness it's a killer of people not all physically either, i mean it mentally kills people we care about. so don't try it, if you are using it quit it right now ( if you need help quitting find a way to contact me or got to PWT), and if someone you know is using METH help them get off it. Don't lose yourself or loved ones to a cheap yet vicious drug.

I'm learning the language of silence. Being silent is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a terrible time keeping quiet. Yet, i have met and am well acquainted with one of the most silent people next to a mute as almost humanly possible. I find Make It Jake fascinating. in silence he says more and less to me than i know what to do with. Make It Jake also typically has only one facial expression... Talk or better yet said NOT talk about making things difficult. I want to say thanks tto you Make It Jake for choosing your words more carefully than others do and for thinking about the consuquences of your word choice. I really do appreaciate it, also thanks a ton for helping me slow down and think about the words i do and do not want to say. I don't want the subtext of my text to ever be misunderstood. I love you.

birds of a feather take flight together

im sitting here in the library of a little hood town listening to this man continually read the same line in a poem over and over i now know he does not like mexicans and if i was a mexican i might even be insulted.

i want to let someone know that i wish i could be the girl that sparkles in there eyes and left them filled with hope love and surprise.

in these last two weeks along i have had my heart broken, used, trampled, confused, re-built, filled and back to confused. im happy to say that at the very least i know there is love. it may not take every perfect form i wish it would but i know its there in the good and in the bad and for that alone i am grateful.

i have a friend whom i hope knows that i love deeply and dearly and that when the lone wolf runs its own course that this tiny dancer will be right here to hear the stories of the loves lost and gained and the stories filled with adventure. i know ive already lost myself in you my lone wolf partly and am here for you whole heartedly.

Spontaneous, combustible, disastrous, sporadic, erratic, electric and i think your forgot nomadic....

i spent my first weekend at home this weekend. and it was plenty more than what i hoped it would be. i ate cakes, cookies, and brownies. all baked with love and laughter with an amazing friend. i made beautiful candi and got to make chalk drawings on my wall all the while smiling about it all. im so blessed to have a friend who is willing to take trains and walk to pay me a visit just to keep with our weekly tradition. i love you.

never in my life have i ever noticed how amazing the human body is before. now that im interested in dancing i pay closer attention than ever before to how my body bends and pops and snaps and moves and flows. how each of my joints bends and how my muscles constrict and loosen up. im so grateful for the ability to move all of my limbs.

now young ladies if any read this at all ever. start to fucking value yourself. you are worth more than that stupid little boy will ever truly know. stop selling yourself short and dont think just know you deserve more than what is being handed to you. young lady remember that you do deserve to get a compliment and that you should never allow him to think your dreams are stupid or foolish. and most of all you deserve to be loved for more than your cover its the pages of who you are that count. and dont you dare young lady love a book for his cover take the time to be his friend to read his pages and not only read the pages but look for the subtext of his text. get to know how he treats his mom and dad get to know his friends hell dont be a bitter lil child and if u run into one of his exs be kind and polite see why it didnt work from both sides of the story. trust that you know what is best for yourself dont stay in a shitty relationship to keep him happy. cause a good relationship is based on equal amounts of happiness. but before you jump into a relationship form a solid friendship. a friendship is more important than anything else. and dont worry about love it will always be there if there is a genuine friendship. and allow love to take its own course just dont let it consume you and forget that there is life besides love in a relationship. there is love and life in all friendships. young lady remember that you are to be treated as an equal in every friendship.