19

i can feel the hot wet salty tears streaming and streaking down my face over the red heated blush of my cheeks, my eyes are now the fountain of every wish i made on a penny that never came true. you silent and concerned in the darkness of this night even without being able to see i could feel you looking me straight in the eyes. the hysteric mumbling of my insecurities as i prepare to take flight, are stilled you have me sit tight, take a deep breath, calm down realize come morning it will be alright. your words they play on repeat, a broken record but you don't own vinyl "19". my inner gemini fights between my logic and your insight i feel you hug me tight, the sound of my giggle is light like your pillows, we speak serious nonsense until you fall to sleep, as i watch the sun spread over the room like warm yellow paint over a canvas, a warm closed eyes smile covers my face finally i say "i'm 19 you're right".

happy begining of the end of the year!

The first of the month shouldn't that be for other first things, as well? I was thinking about new year resolutions and how most the time they don't seem to stick. Forcing oneself instead of encouraging oneself to do something, makes it feel so much more like a chore than it really should be. So this year I am not making resolutions. I'm looking at the new year as a a new day everyday to do the things that make me happy and hopefully brighten up the lives of others. Just because I am not making a list doesn't mean there aren't things I hope to do in the incoming year. The thing is though with the things i hope to do they don't all have to be done in this year, so i guess instead I'm gonna make a bucket list slowly but surely and hopefully thru out life x some out and add some new ones, and let them happen whenever they happen. I'm not forcing a set list of goals to accomplish in a year it doesn't make any sense to live life by a list predetermined before the year has even started, cause I don't know what will happen a day, or a month, into my year that could greatly alter what I would have set out to do. Also, I don't see the point of having to wait to January 1st of every year to change the things I want to change in my life, today is as good a day as any to make progress as well as happy, healthy, and good life choices to better myself.

those movie moments...

giddy and giggling along side my beautiful sam on a sunny summer day. we sat there she and i loving life on the red line cta to the china town stop. i laugh as she points out every seemingly cute girl that catches her eye. i love the little things she notices that make each person beautiful in their own way. our stop is up and we stand and my attention is caught i catch his eye on my way out the shutting doors, i can feel myself start to blush. i hurry out the train cart and steal one last glance at the guy with the dark hair and leather jacket and i do that double take i feel myself wonder who he is and smile at him... just as the doors shut im sure i caught him smile too. then he was gone. the train was gone and as i walk down the steps i talk with sam about how i felt like i knew him and that i should have at least said hello... it was a moment in time and space i felt like i had lost a perfection connection with a stranger... just like in most of my favorite girly romance movies...fast forward a few months... and he messages me reminds me of that day out with my friend and much to my surprise, i did know him and he knew me and he realized just like i did a little too late to say hello. his reaction much like mine was delayed and the doors shut on him before he could get off the train to say hello to me. it was a wonderfully lost and hopeful point in my life, im just glad someone shared it with me and that now we can both now look back and smile fully aware of who the other is.

time...

October came and went it flew by so quickly. It brings both a smile to face and tears to my eyes. I have so much to be grateful for when I look back upon my past month. Yet, I also have such a heavy heart when I look back... I, as well as many others lost an amazing friend, brother, son, and family member the last day of October. With a heavy heart I have to look forward to my future and know he will not be part of it. I hope where ever he is now that he is at peace. I hope he is enjoying the clouds even more than he did when he was here with us. I hope he is doing what he loves to do creating beautiful images the way none of us who knew him could. I hope he has a calm sweet dream rest until we can meet again. love sleepyhair sleepyhead.

feeling batty !

my night vision has been working!!! okay so October has been one amazing month in my life so far. My frown has been splattered across my face upside down and I am greatly enjoying the new perma-smile I have been proudly wearing!
Lets start with October 1 of this year... I missed out on going to First Friday at the Flat Iron building in Wicker Park with all of my amazing friends so that I could spend the evening with my even more amazing family. We played board games together into the darkening hours of the night. So many laughs and so many inside family jokes, oh and the pet names so embarrassing and so endearing. I wouldn't change my family for any other in the world. They are absolutely the best I could ever ask for. October 2 I was very blessed to be able to attend the Annual Pilsen Art Fest during the mid-afternoon with my good friends Vanessa and Liam. The company they keep me is one of love and laughter. Being able to view pieces of art in the presence of good company was a present in itself. Who ever it was that made the amazing trunk speakers I must say KUDOS to you two, twas the most interesting use of trunk i have seen in a long long time and I absolutely loved it. Then there was that evening! A rather good party that night, with some very interesting bathroom moments... Sharing a stall with about 6 other people when trying to pee or poop definitely makes you close to that group in a big way in a big rush... yet it was the people outside of the bathroom that blew up my little mind. getting to laugh with Vanessa any time we walked by each other. finding and unfinding Marina threw out the night. both PWT & TMY kept me highly entertained doing their thing, which always leaves me jaw dropped! Then to awesome we all went to wind down... The next few days involved plenty of me learning new dance concepts and drilling them over and over and over... oh did i say and over yet? -------------------fast forward to the weekend and skip a week of feeling all terribly cramped up... Oct.9 DANCE ROCK! after much complicated confusion of figuring out my method of transportation to this fine event I'm there! The sound of the loud whales singing a.k.a dubstep greets my ears and places a smile on my face the awesome bassphreaK played yet another good set. Clicking of cameras, clashing of clothing, crashing of control and the party was creating continuous memories for me. Rare is the chance I have had to be able to partake in watching the full circle of the horsemen under one roof. They all left me with new ideas, and awestruck inspiration to incorporate into my very own style of LIQUID. The chill afters held here at home with just Jason, Liam, Kai and me was comforting. Discussions of music and dance with pretentious noses held high cause we there sat knowing what the best of the best is when it comes to dance and music, undoubtedly of course. I have never met more music snobbish people in all my life and all I can say is I am proud to call them my friend for it saves my ears the pain of failed attempts at music which i will call unmusic. 10-10-10 i spent sleeping and recovering and enjoying the company of my friend turtle who payed a rare visit to my home. The 12th was practice with Liam and Plainest to the Whitest at the lab. The 13th was an amazing sketti and meat sauce dinner served with om-nom-nom garlic bread but the best part was the company of close friends. Might I add in that same night four of us climbed a tree, only one of us fell out, and none of us were injured! 15th had a wonderful lunch date with my mommy <3 who did not spare me any of the typical questions on my well being, she also did not fail to question the security of my safe sex practices, boy-o-boy do I love my mother. She is pleased to know she will not be a grandmother in any state of the immediate future. 16th Sweetest day. I attend a truly wonderful event! ONE LAST FUNDRAISER. The art was beautiful the people were amazing. The talent in that studio shined brighter than the city lights. It felt so nice to be sitting, standing, dancing, laughing, talking in a room full of some of the most terrific people who are not my blood family. I'd love to give thanks to Vanessa for putting a huge huge smile on my face with the thoughtful and kind gift she gave me that night. SO Vanessa if you are reading this I hope you know I am going to get a frame for it and that until then it will stay in its protective plastic taped up to my wall <3 ! Oct. 17. stayed in a big soft comfy white bed and awoke to the sound of door gently closing and a hula hoop landing on the floor. After a little while of getting ready and swapping dreams and reheating tacos we venture out into our Sunday night. Street College was the name of the event and it was held at The Orphanage for FREE. Yes for FREE and might I add for a free event it was way way way fresh!A soft ambient rainbow of colors illuminated by a mix of candles and dimmed lights. The smell of hot veggie soup in one corner and the scent of sweet smiles spreading over the space. A mix of street performers of all kinds from the amazing dancers, unicycle riders, and balloon twisters extraordinair
they came i saw we shared! The view from the steeple of the castle like bell tower I was able to see due to the amazing tour of the Lutheran church was absolutely breath taking. The city shined a dusty pink in awareness of breast cancer month.I looked my fear of heights in the face and walked all over it and up above it on a few sets of rickety rung missing ladders. Fast forward to right now October 20. Wear Purple Day! Today I am wearing purple clothing to raise awareness that no longer will we tolerate the harassment of gay/lesbian people world wide. No more I say should we let others continue on with their ignorant hate crimes against other human beings just because of whom they choose to love! To all my gay/lesbian friends/family and to all others who I do not know, keep holding on stay here with us fight with us for your rights as a human being to love freely whomever you choose. It will get better I and so many others support you. Always with LOVE, Delila <3

"walking on sunshine"... isnt that flying???

im happy with the choices ive made up until this point in my life. i dont regret following my heart and living. "im walking on sunshine" and it sure does feel good not all day everyday but at least once a day and it is so worth it.

clipping wings... feathers and other things...

my candles burn bright, i burn brighter they help my room and heart feel lighter. they glow and i feel it in my soul. i turn them on to make myself feel better something about writing in candle light makes me feel like it will all be alright. these sentences i write they come and they go,some take flight and others fall into the night. i know what i want to say but im afraid to. im afraid of letting my feelings be known. for knowledge is power and when it comes to my feelings im just not sure i want anyone to have that sort of control over me and my being.

ive been dancing more lately than before. the concepts make more and more sense to me daily. and the community the dance provides for me continually inspires me. they are a set of amazing people and im proud to call them my friends. from our talks about hannah barbra cartoons (kai = great gazoo, delila = dizzy devil, jason = shaggy, and rob = marvin the martain... more to come.) to tattoos, music, dance, life, travel, love, and so much more i wouldnt trade them not for a single moment. they are helping me open my eyes, grow as a person and mature. i love them. (and if you'd like to know where to find them floasis.net is the place to start). Liquid dancing is a huge part of my life now. It fills a part of me that i didnt know was missing until it found me.

ive been thinking about the things i want out of life, the things i want to accomplish and kick off of my bucket list. and sadly the list keeps growing but nothing is getting crossed off. i need to make myself do what it is i dream to do while i still have time on this earth to do so.

and this becoming a woman thing, this becoming an adult thing is tuff. feels like reality ruffles my feathers more and more daily. the word jaded is becoming more and more familiar to me and that scares me. where is the love? where is the peace? ( im looking for it, looking for it inside of me.)

i've been wearing this heavy heart for a few days now and it just doesnt suit me. i miss my smile.